I recently returned from a business trip to Los Angeles and was feeling beat down and lifeless by the savagery I witnessed there. If you’ve never been, Los Angeles is like an extremely hot Buffalo, New York that stretches on for hundreds of miles in every direction no matter where in the city you are. [...]
Entries from April 2008
April 25, 2008
A Tragedy at the Fane Hotel
A week ago Anna and I checked into the Fane Hotel in Harlem as our apartment was being fumigated and was generally unlivable. The room we got was shabby and, from what I could gather, covered in blood stains. Naturally, this didn’t bother me in the least as I had grown accustomed to blood and seamen stains during my time [...]
April 24, 2008
Central Park
After work yesterday Crossly and I took a long walk across the length of central park. It was a warm day and Crossly observed there was plenty of “ass” out. When we got to the great lawn, Crossly lit a joint and made the outlandish claim that so-called ”white slavery” was alive and well in northern [...]
April 23, 2008
Election Results
Last night Anna and I sat down briefly to examine the election results. Hillary Clinton won, naturally, and Anna, as a woman, was infuriated. “Hillary Clinton is a lunatic.” She announced to no one in particular, “She’s a sick suburban cunt with dadddy issues. A chronic masturbator. A power hungry slut.” “You’re being sexist.” “Am I?” [...]
April 21, 2008
On the Set: Gossip Girl
I was recently hired to write an episode of Gossip Girl. I’d never seen the show and in general loath television (despite my interests in teenage pussy and casual heroine abuse). As of late, however, several significant debts of mine have been called in and I needed the cash (I demanded to be paid in cash as [...]
April 18, 2008
Ally Hillfiger vs. PCP
Things have been brutal at the office - this is, after all, my busy season - so when an invitation arrived to attend the Uptown Cockfight Association’s annual dinner I jumped at the chance. My friend Ally Hillfiger, the notorious cocaine addict and heiress, was graciously MC’ing, and I knew from past experience the night would be memorable. Cockfighters are [...]
April 17, 2008
A Night on the Town with Aliza Shvarts
My good friend and occasional lover, the Yale artist Aliza Shvarts, just met me for dinner last night at an important soho restuarant. Aliza was late, as usual, but wasn’t bothered. I am a regular there and am friendly with the staff. To kill time I engaged the bartender in a debate on the importance of the male [...]
April 16, 2008
A Night on the Town
Anna’s birthday was last weekend so I decided to take her out for a special night. First we went to the pistol range and fired off a few rounds to get the blood flowing… literally, Anna shot the proprietor in the face, we emptied the cash register and ducked out into the night. Next we stopped [...]
April 15, 2008
College Rape Seminar
Martin and I just got back from a weekend seminar at Oberlin College focused on rape and incest. We skiped all the meetings and spent most of the time hanging out near the dorms selling cocaine to the students at extreme mark-ups and blowing the profits by placing an ad in this weekends New york Times for the Nazi [...]
April 14, 2008
Obama = Hitler
My good friend Tony Obama, the noted cocaine addict, stopped by my office and challenged me to a game of tetris. In order to make it interesting I proposed an interesting wager. The loser of the match – that is to say the player with the least amount of lines at the end of a single [...]
