Every bear for himself. God against all.

I wrote this in an attempt to become a contributer to collegehumor.com.  They told me to go to hell:

Okay, so you’re halfway though your freshmen year and college hasn’t turned out to be the 24-hour sex fest you imagined.  Instead of all night drug-fueled orgies involving you and half the female population of your dorm, you’re “officiating” a nightlong “Tecmo-Super Bowl” tournament that, in the end, solves nothing and leaves you feeling hollow inside.  Needless to say, things have reached a breaking point: maybe you just got back from a party having made out with the chick who “has a boyfriend”, maybe you accidentally wandered onto the top of that tree with perfect views of the girl’s dorms (and lost your pants along the way!), maybe it’s just every single morning/afternoon/night of your entire adult life.  Either way, you need to rub one off but that roommate of yours only abandon’s his IMing sessions long enough to empty his bed pan.
What are your options?  Unless you’re wasted or bi/curious, which you probably are, I wouldn’t advise using the dorm room itself.  Naturally, there are clean up issues, but more importantly you may never recover from the stigma of getting caught (think about your relationship the family dog).  Plus your room probably smells like a crusty sock.
No, you have more discriminating tastes.  A man such as yourself demands only the best, the Cadillac of dorm masturbation really: the handicapped bathroom.  Why should the cripples get all the fun, the parking spots too?  No friend, don’t bother breaking both your legs, just let yourself in and leave it to the campus police to sort out, you’ve got business to attend to.  These lockable bathrooms/showers that most dorms have afford you moderate privacy unheard of in the freshmen dorm experience.  Don’t, however, abuse this privilege.  Your hall mates are all in the same boat and they get wise to your antics after the third or fourth time they knock on the door and your voice cracks as you explain, “I’ll be out in a second.”  Dorm living, after all, is an exercise in democratic principles, the principal of shared masturbation space, for example.
If you want to be bold and, well, disgusting, you can give the shower a shot.  Just so long as you’re cool with listening to the “hip-hopper” sing Gold Digger in the stall next to yours and you can live with the fact that you are standing (with bare feet) on the same ground that has absorbed twenty some odd years of collegate ejaculate.
Failing these, there’s always the Math library, an empty parking lot or the police station.  If you’ve had enough booze any of these will do.  So keep drinking and keep striving because maybe, just maybe, one day you’ll get to masturbate with a girls body.  We in the know call this act, “sex.”

Not bad… terrible