A swift kick and the dingy metal door swung open with a rusty squeal. Before me the ocean of used-condoms, bullet casings, bone fragements, dried blood and beer cans that covered roof-top of the Al Rasheed hotel in Baghdad. Maybe fifty yards away stood Hannity, his back to me, teetering on the ledge [...]
Entries from April 2007
April 20, 2007
Herzog
One time a friend of mine went up and talked to Werner Herog after a screening, all sycophantic like, and Herzog just blew smoke in his face and said, “Buy my book.” A great man.
April 20, 2007
Live Wrong
Hannity and I were 28 thousand feet above one of the red states he referred to so often but had never been, a square one. Hannity wanted to go higher even though, 40 or 50 thousand feet, far above the grey cloud bank, so as to not be forced to see the rolling emptiness [...]
April 20, 2007
Las Vegas
Hey, what’s up bro? Just got back from Vegas BABY (that’s from “Swingers, killer movie BTW)! And it was sick bro, off the chains! Me and my bros have been talking about going for like seven years and my boss at IBM finally gave me time off my high powered and super-important [...]
April 20, 2007
The Sweet Valley High Babysitters Club
So-whatever-like it was a totally dark and super stormy night or something. Like, out of some crazy R.L. Stine book (Remember those! Ah the 90’s, Yeah!!!)! The girls (Missy, Linda and Debbie: The Sweet Valley High Babysitters Club! SVHBC Rules!) were all rollin’ over for one of our classic totally crazy cool [...]
April 20, 2007
1984… Tigers
Hannity and I cautiously entered Old Tiger Stadium. “I stashed a body in here a few years ago,” Hannity murmured, “I want to see if it’s still here.” Reasonable enough, I thought. Lord knows I had found my share of Hannity’s corpses, the majority scrotum-less, in my time as his assistant, so [...]
April 18, 2007
Hannity
With one shaking, flushed red hand, Hannity reached down and turned the A/C up to MAX. Leaning over, he shoved his face as closely to the cool stream of chemicals as he could stand, and took a monstrous breath. He was hung-over, sick in the weak-wrist-sort-of-way and needed the recycled air. Bloated [...]
April 10, 2007
Guide to Dorm Masturbation
I wrote this in an attempt to become a contributer to collegehumor.com. They told me to go to hell:
Okay, so you’re halfway though your freshmen year and college hasn’t turned out to be the 24-hour sex fest you imagined. Instead of all night drug-fueled orgies involving you and half the female population of your dorm, [...]
